A Study in Pain
by suzjazz
Summary: Episode tag to 6:20 Il Tavolo Bianco. The racing thoughts of Lisbon and Jane after the cannoli scene.


I do not own The Mentalist. If I had enough money, I'd buy it.

**Lisbon**

Why did I have to cry? Damn it! Marcus'll see, and he'll ask, and I don't want to discuss it with him.

Oh, wait, he seems OK. That man is the most unobservant guy I've ever met. Damn Jane. After all these years and all his apologies, he still can't be honest with me. I'm done. I can't take this anymore. I have to get away from him. So Marcus'll probably get boring…he'll be honest with me at least, and he'll be good to me, and I'll have love and closeness. I don't love him and I never will love him, no matter how much I like him. I am in love with that goddamn Jane, he has a hold on me and he always will. At least if I go to DC, I won't have to see him every day and be miserable because he doesn't love me.

It seems pretty obvious now that he only wants me to stay because he wants me as his sidekick. I'm his only friend and he doesn't want anything to change-he needs me so he can feel normal. How stupid I was to think he loved me, as in _wanted me, desired me as a woman. _No. He's an emotional eunuch. There's never been anyone else in over two years since we separated, and there won't be anyone else, because no one can measure up to his wife. His dead wife. He still wears his wedding ring. Does he expect me to believe he's ready to move on if he's still wearing it? No, because he's not moving on with me. That was never his intent. A dear platonic friend, that's all I've been to him, and that's why he demanded that the FBI hire me. So he could work with me. Not date me, not kiss me, not have sex with me.

I'm going to commit to Marcus because at least that's real.

I can't cry anymore tonight-he already suspects I love Jane, and I have to put Jane behind me, which means no more crying. But I have never been so heartbroken in my entire life. Not even my father hurt me this much. I wonder if the pain ever gets less. Sometimes people are very happy with partners they don't love, and over time they form a bond. That could happen with Marcus. I have to at least give it a chance because I have no chance with Jane.

I wish I didn't have to see him at work tomorrow. It's going to be awful. I might cry again. I can't. I have to be professional. I have to show him that he can't stop me from doing what I choose to do, no matter how much it hurts me. Even if he said to me, I love you as a friend, a dear friend, but that's all, I'd be sad but at least I'd know where we stand. At least he'd be honest with me for once. Why can't he say it? Does he really think I'm happy with Marcus? Well, for a while, I thought I was. But now! Marcus wanted me to watch a movie about a woman who has to choose between two men! How insensitive can you get?

If Jane thinks I'm happy with Marcus, why can't he tell me that he just cares for me as a friend?

What happened to his powers? He says he can read me most times-but he can't, or he'd know that I'm suffering. I don't know what to believe, I'm confused and tired, and I just want to get away from Jane. But I wouldn't have to go with Marcus to DC to do that. I could ask Abbott to transfer me to another team so I didn't have to work with Jane. He knows the score. He'd do it. Unless he thinks Jane wil be useless without me.

Maybe I don't want to be with Marcus either. He was nice about not having sex tonight-I just couldn't do it. He's always nice, but that's all he is. I want to be alone, that's what I really want. Alone, so I can think and not be controlled by a man. That's all men ever do if you get close to them-they control you. Even Marcus is manipulating me. He made it my decision whether he goes and gets the promotion or stays here because I don't want to move. That's unfair. I can't be responsible for his career. Damn him. Damn Jane. I'm getting so angry now that I'm ready to say to hell with both of them!

**Jane**

She's crying now. I'm sure of it. I saw the tears about to spill and I wanted so much to comfort her, to put my arms around her. I haven't felt this utterly miserable since Angela and Charlotte…now I'm crying. I wish we could have cried together. I thought I might have a chance for a happy life again with Teresa, but that damn Pike swooped in and claimed her. He acts like he owns her, and she lets him! I had a feeling he might be there tonight, but I had to take a chance and I was going to see her and talk to her whether he wanted it or not. But the bastard answered the door and it took all the fight out of me. I might have told her my true feelings if I'd had the chance. But I know when I'm defeated. I lost this battle, but I haven't lost the war yet. Though I think she's going to decide to go with him. I have to stop her, but I have no idea how. I saw that she's given up on me tonight. But I know she doesn't love him. And he doesn't love her. He just amuses himself with her and I bet he cheats on her after a few weeks in DC. Maybe I should let her go with him. She'll come back once she realizes that he's boring and self-centered and he doesn't love her. She'll experience the loneliness of being with the wrong person.

I don't know what to do. But at least I no longer believe my own con. Abbott was right. I was conning myself into believing she loves him, and therefore I need to support her and let her decide what she wants. I told myself I was doing what she asked me to do: step back and stop interfering with her life. But I didn't expect the pain. The pain finally convinced me that I was being a fool to think that I could ever live without her. I know that I have to fight for her now. It may already be too late. She loves me, but she hates me too, and I don't blame her. Neither of us has the courage to say what has to be said. I've never been good at fighting. I'm a coward. I can beat anyone in a war of words, when there isn't anything at stake for me. But she matters so much that it's a minefield now and any step I take could cause an explosion.

Oh, Teresa. My Teresa. I've conned myself into making you wretched. The last thing I would ever want to do to you. I've already hurt you so deeply that I've probably done irreparable damage-you no longer trust me with anything. Though you apologized for assuming I was just being secretive when in fact Abbott forbade me to tell anyone about the sting. And our lunch was just…beautiful. Could've been more beautiful still, if I'd just been able to go a little further. You were begging me to tell you the truth. We were feeling so comfortabe, so natural, you were even flirting a bit… And I couldn't. Maybe I have blown all my chances. My life might as well be over if that's true.

What'll I say to her at work tomorrow?

Ah, my couch beckons. I want to just go to sleep forever and not wake up.


End file.
